Monday, September 18, 2006

 

Soilent Green is People...Its People!!!


I have made a very important decision. I have decided that from this day forth I will only get my television news from either the BBC or CNN International.

When I awoke from a bad nights sleep several days ago, the very last thing I expected to see on my TV was a bright red BREAKING NEWS graphic on CNN (US) that read "KILLER SPINACH, 1 DEAD, 100 MORE INFECTED." That warning has been playing on my TV every day since. We got the message the first time, don't eat bagged spinach (which by the way, ha to all you people that thought if something wrapped in dupont plastic its clean). I cant help wonder, despite the unfortunate souls with severe E.Coli symptoms, that this is some sort of conspiracy sponsored by a pharmaceutical company.

I keep imagining a room full of corporate masterminds conspiring on how to make Americans constipated quick. In fact I am so convinced that there is something sinister behind this horrible defamation of spinach that I am willing to wager a bet that within the next month Merck, Glaxo and others will be advertising a new drug certain to clear up your clogged pipes. I am sure the commercial is being shot right now somewhere in Burbank. You know the kind of commercial that you see during your morning TV routine where a woman wearing a white track suite is running on the beach while a fast speaking voice over announcer lists the side effects. I'll raise that bet and go on to say that the over the counter stomach aids like Malox, Pepto, Pepcid and the like all come out with special "loose stool" formulas by Christmas.

And even if in the very small chance this isn't a conspiracy I know with 100% certainty, someone is going to gain.

So, international news is where I will turn to from now on. Hungarians rioting in the streets of Budapest, Coverage of UN Week, Chirac wanting to negotiate with Iran, an apologetic Pope, and vital soccer scores just seem more relevant than 24 hour KILLER SPINACH coverage.

What do you think?

Comments:
Oh thank God. We only need to worry about bagged spinach. Here I was thinking that spinach leaves were rising up out of farmers' fields like some twisted floral Dawn of the Dead and were coming to swallow me alive a la Audrey II. Phew! Thanks for clarifying.

I'm still pissed I wasn't able to get a spinach pizza over the weekend. Bastards!
 
i miss spinach. i miss lettuce too. are we allowed to eat any green veggies yet? this is mcdonalds folks... Fast Food Nation Retalliation!
 
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?